I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
