I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I still have a little drunk in my system
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
