Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just pee around me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
