He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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