guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
