A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
it's like heaven, but drunker
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
