remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize