I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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