That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
