By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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