I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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