remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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