"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
