dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
