last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
