He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I got chris browned last night
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
