is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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