I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
