do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
