I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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