i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
