If that was your dad, he is hot
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
