my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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