I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
