I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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