I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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