i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
