He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
