you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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