My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
