I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
