I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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