I wannas sexs uuuuu
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
