I have demons in me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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