sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
