Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
