Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
