I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
