Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
