I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
