R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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