I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
