She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
