Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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