i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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