eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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