Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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