I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
we should paint friendship bongs
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