Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
