Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
